The Unintended Destructive Power of Social Dance Feedback
Sometimes, you just don't know your own strength.
Whether it is requested, or unsolicited, we can upset, derail, or slowly fade away someone's confidence as a social dancer. Use the following phrases as your guide to keep the dancers around you safe from unintended harm.
"I Can't Feel Your Lead"
Why This Hurts
Leading is the leader's job on the dance floor. Telling someone that you can't feel their lead is like telling someone that they are bad at their job.
Try This Instead
With a smile on your face ask yourself the question, "What can I do to be more sensitive to this lead?" You may even want to present the challenge to your instructor during your next lesson or practice party.
Leading and following is the biggest challenge to social dancing. The challenge of staying sensitive and moving clearly is why it is so good for your brain, and helps develop confidence. Taking an internal approach protects your partner, and could just improve your dancing in the process.
"You Need to Work On Your Following"
Why It Hurts
Everything listed above, but for a follower. It's their job, they are trying to follow, and want to do a great job.
Try This Instead
The solution for leaders is a little different.
1. Never utter those words to another follower again.
2. Avoid deploying your most advanced dance patterns with new partners. Sure, it's impressive, but the goal is to move as a unit - not showcase every single step you know.
3. Be bolder with your movements. 9 times out of 10, then leader that is frustrated by their followers ability is not moving clearly enough.
4. Smile, thank them, and remind yourself that they are a work in progress just like you.
"I Can Tell That Dance is New For You"
Why It Hurts
If this were a court of law, your dance partner's lawyer would object on the grounds that this is an assumption of fact not in evidence.
Try This Instead
1. Give yourself an internal reminder, "This is probably a new dance for them, or they're just really nervous."
2. Give them reassurance, "Thank you so much for the dance. Save me another one later."
"You Must Be New"
Why It Hurts
This is another one of those assumptive statements similar to the one listed above.
Try This Instead
This phrase just needs more context and encouragement. Make this phrase speak more to the human interaction, instead of a grade on their dance skill. Instead of, "you must be new" by itself (or with an eye-roll), try adding
1. You must be new... I'm part of the welcome committee!
2. I haven't dance with you before, you must be new. Nice to meet you.
Final Thought
Fortunately, there are teachers. Those master communicators trained in the art of specific, and productive, feedback. When in doubt, and especially when you're not, defer to a teacher.
Here's why.
We all understand the sociological perils of questions like "do I look fat in this dress?" or "how old do you think I look?". In those cases, it's clear that the person asking isn't looking for a scientific assessment and is really just looking for encouragement.
The same can be said for questions like "what did you think about my dancing?"
As an accomplished social dancer it is important that you recognize the person, and empathize with the challenges they've overcome to become a fellow social dancer. The question may be about the dancing, but the answer needs to be about the person.
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